Counseling

Today Deadbeat and I had to attend “Family Counseling.” I wanted to throw up last night and this morning. I couldn’t decide what to wear because the very thought of his eyes landing on my body disgusted me. I did not want to go.

Over the past month, not much has happened out of the usual insults and “non surprise” surprises. But never the less, here I am writing about what shouldn’t be a surprise to me.. ever.

I am 100% sure that this man is coocoo, bat-shit-out-of-his-mind, retarted. I mean that so seriously. Like, he is literally a sociopath and it comes out when he tries to justify his “beliefs.”

We sat in front of the therapist, counselor, poor and quite oblivious woman who thought she was going to help us. I told myself that I wasn’t going to be emotional, but like contractions, I couldn’t stop what is naturally a part of me. I did do something I don’t typically do and that was look him dead in the eyes. I made sure that whatever I said was going to be seen and heard at the same time.

We went back and forth about his views and my views, what bothers us, how we got here, blah blah blah. But these are the things that stuck out to me.

1. His lack of remorse.

2. His lack of memory in regards to his family life.

3. His blatant disregard of what he says about me that could ultimately offend the therapist/counselor lady.

4. His deeply set in belief of the lies he’s told himself.

5. His consistent urge to insult me even when there is no need to do so.

6. My own strength.

We spoke on several things and I cried. At one point I thought I saw him tear up but right after that moment, he replaced his moment of weakness with a shot at my character. Like clock work, when he has a human like moment where he may start to feel actual feelings, he deflects by doing or saying something that will hurt.

At the end of the session, I realized something about myself. 

I, even after therapy and talking to my fiancé and family, still needed the closure of looking him dead in the eye and saying what I needed to say to him.

It felt so terrible at first, but as the day went on, I felt lighter and lighter. Like I had released something from my mind!

I think I’m going to be ok with doing this counseling with him. Because now I can say what I need to him in front of someone who is impartial.

I’m finding closure!

-Out of My Mind

Happy Mother’s Day!

Oh how lovely this day should always be. A day where mom’s are treated like royalty and showered with gifts and compliments from their family members.

I received so many texts and phone calls telling me how great of a job I am doing…

Then I went to pick up baby girl from Deadbeat.

And you know what he did? He told me that she’s been sick.

Then later when I asked if she had a fever, if he gave her any medicine and how long she was sick, he insulted me. Twice.

Thank you Deadbeat.

Not only did you make me laugh, but you told me something I kind of already knew, but it didn’t hurt to receive a little more validation for my thought process.

You were fuming that morning knowing that I was being praised for being a good mother. You were fuming that I woke up next to a man that loves me and helps to raise our child with me and he wished me a happy Mother’s Day. You were fuming that I got to spend time with her on Mother’s day. You were fuming because you knew that no matter what you did or said, nothing makes me a bad mother and nothing you do or say will stop people from seeing that I am a good mother.

You are SO bitter and stupid and hurt that you couldn’t possibly acknowledge that I was a damn good mom. So you HAD to insult me to make YOU feel better about yourself and what you DON’T DO.

Projection. Projection. PRO-FUCKING-JECTION!!

I have said this to myself for the past couple days..

“There is nothing in this world that will keep me from mothering my child. No law, no man, no distance. You may have primary, but that’s a man made word on a man made piece of paper, put in place by two men who don’t care two shits about me, you or our child. But my love for baby girl? My love is from GOD. My strength to deal with you for her is from GOD. My determination and fight for her is from GOD. And although we are made in his image, we are not him! Even if he had flaws, those flaws would STILL be greater than you and I!”

I WON’T STOP! I WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT FOR MY CHILD DEADBEAT! AND YOU WILL NEVER STOP ME!! GOD GOT ME BABY!

No money, distance, time, people, laws, courts, whatever will stop me from mothering my baby. I felt her in my stomach. I breastfed her. I taught her how to say I love you mommy. I taught her how to brush her teeth and how to put on lip gloss.

You’re the true definition of a fuck boy; A NIGGA!

But thank you for complimenting me even when you THINK you hurt me.

I see you nigga. I see you.

 

-Out of My Mind

My letter of truth

Ok. I am going to write him a letter. And I’m going to be honest. And it’s going to be real. And that will be ok. So get ready.

 

Dear Deadbeat,

You have hurt me. More than you’ll ever know. You’ve hurt my family and my friends. Most importantly, you’ve hurt your child and yourself.

When we were together, you made everything about you. Grant it, I allowed it. I let you be the king of the castle. But, instead of sharing your reign, you reigned over me and made me the servant.

I did everything I could to fit into your idea of the type of woman you wanted. Everything. I quit school, had your baby naturally, I pushed my parents away, I let my credit go to shit, gave up all my money and did pretty much whatever you asked.

You were spoiled. My mom bought you and I a car. You paid for not even half of it and when something went wrong, you cursed at my mom as if it was her fault.

You talked about my family like they were the scum of the earth, but then turned around and was ready to accept a hand out from them.

You talked about my dad and what him and my mom went through and called him a bitch, but was so ready to call and talk to him about man stuff as if he was your father the next day. And did so often.

You treated my mom like she had spit on you and all she did was offer to help you get me a ring so you could properly propose to me. But instead of accepting you cried and got offended. And your reasoning? Because she was trying to belittle your manhood.

But your family were saints right?

Your mother caused your credit score to drop drastically over a fridge she didn’t pay you back for or make payments on. Then she let the brand new fridge go to shit. SHe promised you $2000 to go towards a car and then avoided us for weeks. She also smoked weed while watching our infant child and tried to lie about it.

Your dad abandoned you and your brother and you look to him like he’s Zeus himself. He threatened to take your dog because he was attractive & he took money from you like he deserved it.

Your brother said to my face that he didn’t give a fuck that I was pregnant after I confronted him about washing his own dishes. He was 28 at the time.

Your mother married a man with 6 kids and no job, took care of them and kicked you out because you wouldn’t let her use your car to go buy them food. One Christmas she bought you and your brother toys and then took them all back the next day. She got you all a two bedroom apartment once and not only left you at nights to bartend with no food, but also slept on the couch because she had filled the two rooms with trash so you had nowhere to sleep.

My parents embraced your stinking ass like you were their own because they love me.

Every time we tried to do something as a family you sat in the corner like a sad puppy hating on us and talking shit.

You expected me to have sex with you just because we were together. At times being nasty if I didn’t want to.

You stopped using toothpaste, deodorant, stopped bathing with regular soap. You ate whole cloves of garlic and didn’t want to go to the dentist. You refused to see a doctor concerning an abscess growing on your armpit that permitted you from closing your arm. You chipped your tooth while flossing.

I had to beg you to watch the little girl when you got off work and I had to beg you to spend time with us as a family. But instead of helping me you wanted to smoke weed and fix your garden and walk your dogs.

I had no friends. Only you. But when I wanted to go out, you criticized me for being money hungry and lazy.

You let your aunt that aborted all but one of your uncle’s kids tell you that I was a gold digger when she took him to court for his business, money, retirement, etc. Drove him crazy. Then you took our child to your grandmothers house where her 50 year old son lives that the family thinks she was molesting because they shared a bed until he was almost 30.

You told me to get rid of a baby because we weren’t doing well. Then you let your mother tell people the baby wasn’t yours. You let your mother call me a whore on several occasions and I had only been with one other person than you after we broke up.

You told me that we would be better off living a part. Then treated me like I ruined your whole life when I actually did.

You told your lawyer that I abandoned our child and that I was unfit after you saw a picture of me with my new boyfriend on my Instagram and got mad over a year later. You stalk me online and you stalk my friends and family.

I paid your mortgage, only asked for $200 to go towards daycare, let you use my car for a whole summer, supported you, made you a home…

That day I threw the garden can and it hit you, we should have ended it there. I am sorry it hit you. But didn’t you at that point think, “maybe I should let her go?”

You refuse to grow up and see your faults. You only see what you think are mine and you know what? I’m going to pray for you.

I pray for your guidance. I pray for your strength. I pray that you let all that anger and bitterness go. I pray that you are healthy. I pray that God has mercy on your soul when you go to judgement.

I’m not even going to wish you to hell. I’m going to pray that you get better.

I’m not battling you. I’m battling the terrible spirit in you.

I pray for you Deadbeat.

And I pray for me too.

 

-Out of My mind

Words don’t help.

I am trying. I am trying. I am trying. I am trying to stay in the legal confines of this custody battle.

God knows I am trying. But God also sees that I am being stretched to the point of no return.

It is no secret that I am struggling financially. With my fiancé being injured and us only having one income, my gigs aren’t picking up and my drive is extremely low to create, bills coming every month, I was looking forward to my tax return because I could pay some bills down and save some money.

I was just starting to feel more secure about my custody battle and then I find out some bull shit.

I can’t claim my daughter because Deadbeat has one more night than I. Making him the custodial parent…

I don’t know if you will EVER understand the amount of pain and anger in my heart. The amount of anxiety and stress that follows.

I look at my baby and I think to myself quietly, “Don’t give up because she needs you. She loves you.”

It’s not about the money. It’s about the fact that my child is losing out on a fulfilled life and I can’t do anything about it. It’s about my mental & emotional well being and the fact that I can’t seem to find a moment to be or live peacefully.

I am so… I have no words. I have no breathe. I have no tears to shed. Because everything has slowly been drained over the last two years.

All I can say is that I love my baby. Because if I say anything else, I’m going to lose it.

I’m fighting for a baby I never gave up. I’m fighting a battle with someone who is angry that I moved on. I’m losing to a loser. I’m being hurt by someone who only knows pain in his life.

God please help me.

Please hear me.

On and off like light switches

It’s so funny to me that my days act appear to be as sensitive as the light switch that brightens or darkens a room.

One day, I am feeling great. I’m smiling, I’m laughing, I am not bothered. Then the next day, almost as if I’m in a completely different world, things change drastically.

My sunflowers and lemonade turn into bloody Mary’s and ketchup spilled onto my white shirt.

Like COME ON! CAN I PLEASE HAVE SOME TIME TO BREATH!!

SWEET JESUS!

I try to breath and laugh through the stress but the only time that works is when I have at least an hour to breathe and look up cat pictures.

Lately, when I get bad news, it’s back to back, minutes apart, like twins being born!

LORD HELP ME!

 

-Out of My Mind

Jeremiah 29:11

I use to imagine my custody battle as a dark, rain cloud hanging over my head. I imagined that it went with me into stores, church, gigs, to my mom’s house. It was attached to me.

I am feeling less and less attached to that cloud. I am also feeling like the cloud is raining less and it’s losing the dreary color.

I have great days now. I am less angry when we argue and I shake less.

My anxiety never leaves. It’s still there, but I am managing so much better than before.

I’ve also started trying to pray more and I say affirmations everyday to help program and drill my confidence back in to me.

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I have to remember that everything happens in divine order, for a reason & with a cause. That’s what I believe at least.

So I’m going to continue to improve on my end and learn to understand that things will happen.

Just breathe baby girl.

-Out of My Mind

 

 

Becoming aware… Again

I learn more and more everyday that the world is brutal. I learn that people are not going to reach out and help you just because you need help. I’ve also learned that “being cute” doesn’t always get you the things you need and want and that youthfulness runs out.

I’ll be honest. There have been a few times I’ve used my “baby mode” to get ahead. Have people thinking I’m the sweetest little thing so I would be treated differently. Never in a malicious way did I use it.

What I’m getting at is, the truth and reality is what matters. The truth is, I fucked up and should have gone for custody of baby girl early on. But I didn’t and now I have to deal with ass hole lawyers for almost 2 years now and Deadbeat himself.

The reality is that no matter how much I cry and complain, my custody situation is what it is and only a judge will change it.

The truth and reality of everything is that I have to WOMAN UP! I have to wipe my damn tears, take some aspirin for my head aches, eat a damn meal, go to work ON TIME and do what I need to do for my child and for me and stop thinking that I’ll get a pass or some kind of luck because I’m pretty or sweet.

NO!

The world doesn’t work like that. The world works off of your sweat and your stress. Period. Your world works when you do.

So I’m working. I’m working on bettering myself and that’s my main focus. Day by day.

How do you eat an elephant? You get a damn steak knife, a fork and you eat that shit piece by piece.

-Out of My Mind