I realize that my situation is not that different from everyone else’s except the fact that I was on a show. (Fun Fact: I was on TV once right before my custody situation got worse.)
I often find myself explaining to people that my issues with Deadbeat began shortly after I came back from being on TV. At that point everyone’s confused demeanor starts to change and they make the ‘Oh, he just jealous’ face.
No. It’s more than that. That man isn’t JUST jealous. He’s a sociopath. I think I’ve mentioned this before.
The meaning of sociopath is “a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.”
Yesterday, I was sitting at work and a thought crossed my mind about my baby shower items and my baby book I started when the little girl was tiny. I have this thought often but I shove it to the back of my mind and hope that it doesn’t resurface because it fucking hurts.
That nigga told me that he threw that stuff out after he took the little girl from me. HE THREW IT OUT.
Did I talk about this before? Maybe..
I took a walk for lunch and started to really think about it. I thought to myself, it is time to address this issue because the more I try to pretend it’s not important, the more it will fester.
When Deadbeat was a child his dad took items from his mom and kept them. Claiming pretty much the same thing he said to me. Saying that he threw that shit out or sold it but in reality he just kept shit. So it’s inevitable that Deadbeat tells me this. I’m sure that stuff is sitting right in the little space above the little girl’s bed where it always has.
How is he a sociopath?
Well, for one thing, he is not moved by emotions. When I begged and pleaded with him to give me my things, when I begged and pleaded with him to let me see my baby, when I cried and poured my heart out to him at counseling thinking that he would be honest and do the same and see that I was sincere,… I thought after all theses things, you’d see some remorse, some regret, some compassion… No. Helllllllllll no.
He has no emotional attachment to other people, no conscience towards situations or things. Not even his own child. He has no friends because he pushes people away. I mean, the man talked very openly about how unfit his mother was to be watching our child and yet, when I call the little girl, I hear that trifling bitch in the background.
I learned recently that I am supposed to let God do his work without a fight. If you ask God for help you cannot get in his way when he starts to get to work. So these days when I am ‘tried’ by Deadbeat, I let God handle the situations. I am out of the way because on a human level, I have done everything I was and am supposed to do.
The only things that still get in the way of my own healing are the things that I have suppressed deep inside that I deemed as unimportant. And that is where I need to work.
So yes, I am mad about the mutha fuckin baby shower stuff and the baby book!
But it’s out now. I can let it go. I can move on to the next thing and talk and breath.
I am healing and I pray for him truly and honestly and very specifically.
I’m trying to make it so that I don’t need to post about these experiences.
I want to talk about how happy I am with my fiancé. I want to talk about the music I make or the furniture I bought. I want to talk about taking trips and food.
It’s depressing to look on here and see all of this hurt and pain.
But… If I didn’t have this, I’d probably be in jail.
So thank you reader. Thank you Word Press. Thank you God for giving me an outlet. Thank you for giving me a voice.
-Out of My Mind and into the world.